I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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