road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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