hotel room ftw
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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