Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
