I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Randomize
