remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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