1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
