Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
