If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
