Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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