Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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