we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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