Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
