life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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