Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
