i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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