The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
