found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
