if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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