you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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