I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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