she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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