we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
