I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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