Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize