life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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