People in love make me want to vomit
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
