What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
