Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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