Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
