Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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