return my video game
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
