i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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