i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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