the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize