Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
