we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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