So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
