he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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