I wish I only lived at night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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