So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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