i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
