If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
