when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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