You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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