i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
