Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
