her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
