Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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