You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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