So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
