I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize