i just wanna soil my oats bro
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize