OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
