I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
In other news, I just burned my penis
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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