I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize