I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
