Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
