Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
