My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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