My first STD was from a foam party
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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