did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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