Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
it's like iHOP with fire
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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