Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
