Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I am midnight drunk by noon
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
