i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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