Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
