Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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