Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
