I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
