Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
