Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
