i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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