we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
