Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
