I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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