There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
